Tuesday, January 14, 2014

New years resolution

Yep. I made one, but unlike the previous years where it was rather specific (Improve in school, draw more often, excersize, ect.) I decided to make it generic, "Stop being a lazy ass." That sentance pretty much covers everything. If I'm going to play games get into them, hey, I wanna be a game designer (and programmer) someday might as well really master games and take notes now, if I don't like something lets change it.

Oh yea, did I meantion I'm alive still? Yea, I'm alive.

I need to start writing more and posting more and being more active. I need to meet people and explore and get out of my zone. If I am going to be nocternal lets see what the night has to offer, if I have to go to a school I hate lets try and get the teachers to notice how full of shit what they say is.

Will I ignore my own thoughts and eventually go back to my lazy ass self? More than likely almost garenteed, but it's out there and eventually I will end up finding and rereading this in the future (Always do) and I will get the burst of energy again, maybe some day it will stick. Anyways, as of now I don't really have anything blog worthy, I don't even think I want to read older posts for the simple fact knowing me they were a bit depressing, not sure, but the point is LETS DO THIS!

Funny thing actually, only reason I want to get started on everything is because I'm avoiding homework. I need to stop that, but I guess if avoiding one thing is getting everything else done I's a sacrifice I can deal with. As long as I don't fail.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Darkness before the light?

I know I said I'll try updating this every day but how I've been feeling is counterproductive to what the goal of it was meant to be. I'm feeling worse and worse, I can bearly think of solutions, and forcing myself to think is actually starting to get painful., literally. Not sure what it is but I'm even less motivated to do anything. My computer constantly overheats and shuts down. I'm hesitant to start any big projects such as making games or animations or even homework projects because of this. It seems any form of creativity from me is gone. I can't think of anything to draw or what to do with my homework assignments. I should get a jo so I can buy a new computer but I'm so lazy and unmotivated I can't do anything. My mood went down to the point I'm constantly suicidal, making plans, asking what if, ect, but luckilly I've been battling it for so long I'm to hard headed to acctually do it. I know it would take something huge for me to actually take myself seriously. Other than laying in front of my computer doing random unproductive things I have no consistancy, I can't start any habits. I tried writing the blog every day, I am trying to take my pills every day, trying to brush my teeeth, shower, even basic things like eat, I'm failing at all of them, my money managment skills suck bad, constant migranes keep e from focusing, I hate sleeping and end up going to sleep at 7 in the morning for a 1 pm class, I can't eve talk normally to people because nothing is going on with me, I usually lie and say I'm sick or just don't respond.

I hate this intenslessly. I always believe things will get better but that's because that's been the reason I've never gave up, not when I lived with my abusive dad, not when  was homeless, not when I was in the military, or with my ex, or now, I want something good to happen, but honestly, especally with the dreams I've been having latley, I'm pretty much already dead. Almost no hobbies or interests, I can't keep relationships, I hate just about everyone around me, I reject my family, ect. What if things have already gotten etter but I'm to damaged and miserable to notice.

Friday, September 13, 2013

I don't want my story to end.

That new song, that anime, the silent phone, hearing aout loved ones and dates, or even the medicen reacting negativly, I don't know what it is but something wounded my spirit deep. All threwout the day tears came from nowhere. Absolute nothing. I thought it was allergies, even without the sneasing and stuffy nose. it was nothing.

I keep snaping at my brother. I don't know why but I hate him so much. I wish he was never born. HIs voice, his presence, everything annoys the living hell out of me, but I care for him. I do as he asks, let him borrow my stuff. Joke and try to communicate with him.

The sun set. there was no warning. the smile my brother saw when he went to bed vanished and tears will not stop. Lots of things could have set them off but none of them make sense. The song, Pegasus Fantasy from Saint Seiya, was so motivating, the anime, Watamote, though appealed to my sader senses was only on after I found I couldn't stop crying, my phone is always silent, one friend in tears worrying her boyfriends life may end, one suicidal becasue his relationship ended, and one happy about a date, doesn't affect me. I've always been the one to be happy when they are sad, and at their happiest I'm there to celebrate. Medication could be it, but why is something that was suppost to prevent this from happening have such a strong effect.

I have no explination, no feelings, it just turned dark so fast, and in the dark of night when normal people are asleep I'm sitting up alone wishing I wasn't here. This physical body just holds alot of pain and a beat up spirit that has been beaten up so many times it will look for anything to stay whole. I'm just someone that can't explain my tears and doesn't have th strength to make his own path so he helps others, blindly, feeling bad when everyone must leave and feeling not only "beter" but sorry for inconviniancing them when they wake up.

It would be easier if I wasn't here. So much easier. My existance will vanish and I won't have to do anything. I don't believe in heaven, at least not the same one everyone ele believes in. How can a creator watch his creations suffer so much and sit silently, how can he create a paridise if everyone's paridise is differant, if he knows what will happen how can he punish us? I also don't believe in hell. Noone deserves eternal suffering. I believe i'd be able to leave this body and move on. that sounds plesant, but I have never been that kind of person. Suicide is on my mind, but it's a selfish answer, one I can't agree with. I owe my life to the boy that stopped me from playing alone in the sand. To the asshole that has a very kind heart who I felt I can talk to, the mother that failed me, the sister that is doesn't bond with people, the cat that loves me, even the perverted old man that calls me son.

I don't make many friends. I am the worst kind of person who planned many times to vanish as soon as he's no longer needed, I no longer even have a last name because all of them, even the sister I looked after for years, no longer want me. I take everyone's secrets and problems but feel aweful when I give them out, and even now when everyone's growing and moving I want to stay a kid and keep everyone close. That is not possable, if I get to close bad things happen so I stay alone, and suffer, and cry, only to put on a smile and give advice when it's needed.

I'm not to honest am I?

Life is not the easiest thing. I hae made many escapes, ways to leave the world when I need to, from the music I listen to to the characters I create, because reality is a tough thing to face. No matter how much I desire to quit, even if my mind is strong enough to ignore it, but my body is breaking down and crying, I refuse to leave a hole. The people that know me won't lose me, and even if I never get the helping hand I need I'll always be there to give one. Suicide is such a selfish thing so I guess it's a good thing I don't care enough about myself to be selfish, so I'll keep living a bit longer and see how much longer I can make my story. Even if it's filled with blank pages at least it has a chance to fill in the holes of other stories.

Sorry for the rant, I just don't feel good and noone's around to listen.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Guess I need to try again

I haven't been feeling any better

It's been feeling like something is wrong and my only ideas are get help, something that isn't easy for someone who's so anti social. I have no motivation to do anything so I took advantage of my benifets and started getting involved with the VA hospital. I think my fear of hospitals got worse. I couldn't stop moving, I can't look anone in the eye, and I laugh alot about nothing. A kind old lady even asked me if I was ok and if I wanted to sit with her for a whileI got my shots and the only thing "Wrong" with me is my cholestoral is 12 points to high. Then I got over my nerves and requested to speak with mental health. Right off the bat that lady labeled me as Manic Depressive and set me up with the actual mental health clinic. My actual Mental health doctor was rushed due to the check in desk making a mistake and not calling me in and he said I was Bi Polar, now I'm taking pills in hopes they would work, but I can't keep my mind off of it to avoid the Placebo effect, after all, pills from the military is what messed me up so I'm overl causious andexpect the worse.

My room is a mess again. I can't gather the energy to clean it and my brother keeps bringing food in here and leaving it. The Baits and sprays I bought arn't killing the roaches as effectivly anymore and they are making me sick yet I don't feel like doing anything about it. School started back up for me, but I found a new problem, I am compleatly unable to read my textbooks. I don't know why but looking at the page and it's like my eyes ignore words and sentences, add that with my lack of otivation and it's going to be very hard to not fail again. I'm tired of failing classes, especally ones that could have been easy.

My computer is starting to have serious problems. The fan stopped working compleatly so I bought a fan for it, the keyboard sticks and the Ctrl buttons no longer work, alot of my programs crash as soon as they start, it just shuts down when out of power instead of sleeping, holds no charge, uninstalls my mouse and tablet and a whole lot of other wierdness. I'm keeping it running the best I can but it already proved unreliable with school.

I really need friends in this city. I have plenty of good friends, very good friends that are close to me, but none of them are ever close or they are to much like me and we get bored. How do adults make friends anyway? I wanna join Something like Karate and start going to a gym, but I'm not much to do anything when I'm alone.

I hope I can get out of this, but at the moment I'm trying to do politics homework with a hangover like headache and an unexplainable painful body.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Two steps up, maybe 5 down

That was a close one

Well due to someone's carelessness a drink was spilt on my computer. My computer would start freaking out if it's in the bathroom and it's steamy (I like listening to music in the shower XD) so whe I saw a can of soda empty into the keyboard I just about lost it. I was fast enough. I shut it off, tried to dismantle it (But failed to compleatly) and let it dry. The fan is busted, quite a few programs won't function such as LoL, Office, and Adobe, its speed is cut in half, and my ctrl buttons keep doing combonations when clicked (I think left is ctrl + t + q and right is ctrl + + + o) It's fustrating and I was depressed to the point I almost snapped, but it's alive enough to use untill I get a new one, which is now a priority because I need the adobe programs to work and work at normal speed. I wish was a good enough artist to open commissions but I'm not, web design is fun but I don't now enough to charge for it, and I have no clue how to actually look for clients. Guess I need a job or to save up my disability, which is hard with my car, insurance, phone, and Time Warner XD

Get to know me a bit

When I get stressed I like talking ad chatting alot more than usual, or at least writing about myself (Though I've been told I should keep it to myself this is my blog and I do what the hell I want with it) so I decided when I found this picture Id answer the questions and go into detail if I want XD
I'm to lazy to retype the questions so get a magnifying glass if you can't see them XD

1. Gay, but I must admit I am curious.
2. Drawing hands
3. My stupid cat kouya's (Boyfriend and he's stupid because he made me fall into a long distance relationship)
4. Well I haven't had many dates, but my best first night with someone new was when Kou pounce kissed me XD
5. *Flushes toilet* It actually goes up and down. There are some times I look in the mirror and say holy hell, if only I could fuck myself, and there are some times when it's like why the hell does someone like me even exist?
6. Danny Magallanez, my brother since 2nd grade, Frank Rodriguez, the kind asshole, Dark Viper my bara bub and Christina Rodriguez (Not related) My kickass sister like thing.
7. Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, and Scott Pilgrim are 3 seris I remember. I actually read quite a bit.
8. Odd smells. There are some people that give off a unique smell and it's usually very powerful, not like sweat or bo, but odd smells. There are also males that try and act like girls and twinks (Skinny hairless people) I have no problem with most thin people. I'm rather thin myself, but when you have absolutly no curvature, and on top of that no body hair I am not interested. It's worse in porn where there is one very sexy buff guy and a freaking stick, usually with long hair >.<
9. He's straight forward, can be an ass sometimes and if you call him out on it he will prove you wrong how you only think he's an ass because he's right. He's a good guy that's rather passionate about how society and individuals work and think and always tries to help whether you want it or not.
10. Monkeys, Bulls, Bears, Huskys, and Tigers
11. Everyone under best friends and Kouya
12. He had trust issues and I seeked vengeance. If you think I'm a cheater I'll be a cheater, why accept the punishment without doing the crime.
13. Play LoL (League of Legends) And dance to K-pop
14. Who's who amung African Americans, Top Marksmen in JROTC, Military Summer camp, and the US Air Force, Living past 18
15. Always angry biggoted, hates gays and forces his will on others, alcoholic, bossy, aggressive, and two faced.
16. Scent of a Woman - Ailee, Flying Humanoid - ???, Give it to me - Sistar, Run Devil Run - Girls Generation, Over and Over - Three Days Grace, Mama's Broken Heart - ??? and many more I can's stop repeating.
17. Awquard. He really can't kiss ^-^"
18. I like big hairy "Bear" types. Facial hair is almost a must but there are exceptions. Muscle is nice, even better if they have a little fat. If they don't have muscle then a belly is nice as long as they don't start looking like they are melting so I guess a beer or pit belly over someone that just blew $100 at Mcdonalds. I also like Glasses, Hats, boots, tight A shirts/muscle shirts, and biker dudes, but clothing is never a determining factor. Kouya is missing ALOT of my list which goes to show you a personality will beat any preference I set XD
19. Huskies. Lots of huskies. two turtles, at least 20 fish, and a black cat named shadow
20. Some mints, but usuallt they put to much chocolate and not enough mint, Twix, Rocky Road, and almost any that has the word Monkey or contains banana.
21. Japan. The interesting things my friend brought me only made me more curious.
22. Lots of poeple say mean things to me. I don't even remember them.
23. El Paso, and Wichita Falls Tx, Mesa, Awatuki, Surprise, Tempe, and Phoenix AZ, Colorado Springs CO.
24. Your there to give me a bear hug when I need it, even when I don't look like I need it. The easiest way to make me loosen up around new people is if they can make me feel close to them, and a bear hug usually does it.
25. Computers. All computers. and becoming the good looking sucessful man that can go home and laugh in the face of the people that made school and life hell.
26. Am I a nice guy or a mean guy.Why do I let people borrow stuff from me when I feel like stabbing them threw the heart? I don't like anyone but I still call them buddy and friend as if I do. Why don't people understand what a one night stand is and why do I lead them on anyway, and why does this bitch think I care about her problems. Sometimes I'm genuinely a nice guy, but I'm also a sadistic asshole.
27. Homework hopefully.
28. Computers. Anything COmputers. Game designer, Animator, and web designer are high on my list.
29. Slipping and busting my head open when a girl I liked grabbed my paycheck and played catch me in the school cafeteria just as the second lunch was coming in.
30. I have no talents and everyone that likes me will eventually leave me. (Is that an Insecurity?)
31. Go to school for more computer jobs. If I didn't blow it all I would donate to people in need (Yes, I actually mean it when I say donate) and I would probably sell most of my stuff and travel wherever I can trying to make the world a better place. I always envied travelers in shows, it's just not possible anymore without money.
32. He's a little tubby and has very puffy curly hair and beard. He has a very thick accent which I find cute and a really annoying voice when he wants something that makes me want to punch him. he's shorter than me and hates when I call him Mario, a Dwarf, or anything like that. He also usually wears colorful clothing which contrasts my monochromatic color scheme. There are a few other guys I like but I won't describe them :p
33. I love stories and I can easily create whole worlds on a whim.
34. People repeating themselves, some people's voices period, someone not knowing what personal space is, smeone not getting the hint when I want to be alone, people with superiority complex, ungrateful people.
35. None. None at all.
36. This was asked already
37. 2 or 3. One boy, one girl, and depending on which one is more difficult will determin the third, I'm gay, I get to pick and choose. XD
38. Sadly the first thing that came to mind was going paint balling and then eating steak, lots of steak, followed by wild sex.
39. Like I said earlier, making stories. But I guess another thing is drawing heads. I usually like how they come out.
40. A sword flying threw my door.
41. I haven't been many places so I don't know. Hawaii is way to expensive, florda is always shown to have assholes and idiots, Cali doesn't seem like a friendly place, Seatlle is said to be to cold, I'l like to enjoy the rain, and Japan is outside of America. 
42. Mah. Don't remember
43. Nope. Allergies are bad, I'm never alone, the room and bathroom don't have locks, the kitchen is patetic, and the bathroom always smells like piss.
44. My music. Currently You're gonna go far Kid by the Offspring is playing.
45. I don't really know my sister anymore and I have a deep inner hatred for my brother I'm trying to keep under control
46. Been asked already
47. If my life has any value
48. I had better art skill
49. Hate my dad and don't really trust my mom.
50. I don't get this one.
51. Fuck you, fuch you, fuck you, your cool, I am OUT.
52. Yea
53. Depression. I hate I can get depressed so easily.
54. Bear hugs, bellies/abs, pecs, facial hair, accents.
55. Not sure really.
56. Not having friends and getting bullied.

Wow that was long. Lets wrap it up.

I'll be creating a new blog

Yea, lets keep random stuff like the above out. It will contain whatever I want. Hell, I may make two, one NSFW considering I am constantly looking at porn. Just about everyone does it don't look at me that way.. I'll keep you posted.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013


Le Status

Weeeeeell despite cleaning my room and causing mass genocide of the Roach race I am very alergic to something in my room, probably more than i was the roaches and I'm sure it's the spray I used to kill them. It has me miserable and I'm not sure how to adress it. I think some got on my bed because I feel worse after sleeping. My job is never done. I have a doctor's apointment at 8 at the VA and maybe I can talk to them about getting me in Mental health, after all I'm kinda betting VA Mental Health is alot better than Active Duty Mental health and I won't get a long laundry list of mental conditions again. 

I am still trying to find a way to be active. There is a Gold's Gym down the street that I didn't notice but it must be new because I can't find nothing about it online, and being the socially awquard guy I can be the thought of going is kinda spokey for me. I know it won't be like "Hey look at the new guy, lets stare" but for some reason my brain made a gym a place I'd like to avoid. I'd rather find out why and cope with it. Don't know my soda count but maybe I should slow down on them. I know I said no more after I finish those but I'm sure going crazy with the ones I have is bad.
School ends on Saturday for me. I'm trying hard not to fail like I did last term but I let depression get the best of me. I was able to do 2 assignments before burning out, now I have 2 papers and a slideshow to do. I know I can do it if I just sit and do it, but that's the part I'm finding hard. My mind is anything but focused, luckily once I get on the roll talking about my opinion I can keep going, I just need to support it with facts, the teacher loved the two papers I submitted, one being the thin line between Freedom Fighting and Terrorism and the other being about the Tyrrany of the Majority (It's a Political Science class)

My interest in Anime is slowly coming back. I'm back to wanting to learn Japanese and watch and read, that's a good thing, eventually my drawing will come back since Anime is what made me want to start drawing in the first place.

Think that's it for this update. Wish me luck at my appointment and in my goals as well.

Friday, August 9, 2013

The punishment of change

Well....My room's clean at least.

Yesterday went pretty good dispite no sleep and idiot operators, but today I wasn't so lucky. Unfortunatly I am very allergic to roaches which is one of my motivations to clean, to make sure I get rid of as many as possable. I decided to rearange the room a bit so it doesn't look as cluttered and to get rid of my brother's "It's your side of the room" Pholociphy, but upon moving my book shielfs and taking all the books out I was literally attacked by thousands of angry roaches. I bought bait, spray, and gel for deal with it, but I'm as allergic (If not more so) to the spreay as I am to them and the Bait was for when I'm done cleaning. The room is decent. I just need to go threw a mountain of cothes, organize shelfs and stuff, and get things that don't belong in here out, but thanks to the roaches and spray I had an Ashma attach and took a "nap" around 10. I couldn't wake up till 5 PM today and I still feel compleatly sick and exhausted, but now it's clear what my next goals should be after I finish the room.

Time to Tackle my health issues.

Though the military was a bad time I was the most healthy I've ever been when I was in it. I had the shadow of muscle, I could run a few miles without dying, sports were fun ect, but 3 years of doing nothing took it's toll. I never had Asthma problems in the military, I was able to shave, brush my teeth, take showers, change and wash my clothes, eat, ect without motivation or convincing (Though sleep was still an issue) and I just lost that ability as time went on. Now I can just try starting a routine again and adressing one of my addictions, soda. Recently (As in 2 days ago) I bought drinks. A 24 pack of Twist up (Knock off Dew) 30 pack of Big red, 12 pack of Brisk (Already gone) and a 24 pack of Gatoraid. Because I can drink soda like water and I'm not trying to get Diabeties I decided that once this soda is gone I won't buy any more. on top of that I made a few health related goals I can actually start now.

Health goals

  • Buy no more soda. If I still avoid drinking water I'll buy juice or coffee or anything else but soda
  • Playing active games. I wanna go to the gym but I made up teh excuses I don't know where to start, and maybe tomorrow, ect, so, untill I stop being a coward and start going I'll just play my mom's Xbox games. She has Just Dance 4, a couple Zumba games, I think the biggest loser, and stuff like that. Won't help me develop the manleh muscles I want but it's a start, and I can learn to shake mah hips to XD
  • Cut back on fast food. I buy it on my way to school, when I'm driving, when I'm bored and just order in and it's usually a medium that could easily pass for a large with it's ginormous soda. I don't know what on the menus are exacally "Healthy" but when I do go there I'm sure I can just order stuff from their "Healthy" Choices that they label and just get a poweraid dring since it seems that's the only non soda thing on the fountains.
  • Start swimming more. I was embaresed a few months ago when my brother convinced me to go swimming and I found I forgot how to swim. I literally sank like a rock and couldn't get back up. I used to love swimming so I wanna start that again
  • and last, keep a small todo list with basic things I should have learned how to do when I was 5. Take a shower, brush my teeth, find clean clothes, brush my teeth, use dioderant, BRUSH MY DAMN TEETH!! I have a freakin huge ass hole in one of my back teeth but instead of getting worried and doing something about it I'm getting worried and doing nothing.

That should be enough

It's just the second day of my get your shit together blog so I can just finish. Nothing really made me mad so no rants so good....uh...night, and see you around the interwebs.