Darkness before the light?

I know I said I'll try updating this every day but how I've been feeling is counterproductive to what the goal of it was meant to be. I'm feeling worse and worse, I can bearly think of solutions, and forcing myself to think is actually starting to get painful., literally. Not sure what it is but I'm even less motivated to do anything. My computer constantly overheats and shuts down. I'm hesitant to start any big projects such as making games or animations or even homework projects because of this. It seems any form of creativity from me is gone. I can't think of anything to draw or what to do with my homework assignments. I should get a jo so I can buy a new computer but I'm so lazy and unmotivated I can't do anything. My mood went down to the point I'm constantly suicidal, making plans, asking what if, ect, but luckilly I've been battling it for so long I'm to hard headed to acctually do it. I know it would take something huge for me to actually take myself seriously. Other than laying in front of my computer doing random unproductive things I have no consistancy, I can't start any habits. I tried writing the blog every day, I am trying to take my pills every day, trying to brush my teeeth, shower, even basic things like eat, I'm failing at all of them, my money managment skills suck bad, constant migranes keep e from focusing, I hate sleeping and end up going to sleep at 7 in the morning for a 1 pm class, I can't eve talk normally to people because nothing is going on with me, I usually lie and say I'm sick or just don't respond.

I hate this intenslessly. I always believe things will get better but that's because that's been the reason I've never gave up, not when I lived with my abusive dad, not when  was homeless, not when I was in the military, or with my ex, or now, I want something good to happen, but honestly, especally with the dreams I've been having latley, I'm pretty much already dead. Almost no hobbies or interests, I can't keep relationships, I hate just about everyone around me, I reject my family, ect. What if things have already gotten etter but I'm to damaged and miserable to notice.