That new song, that anime, the silent phone, hearing aout loved ones and dates, or even the medicen reacting negativly, I don't know what it is but something wounded my spirit deep. All threwout the day tears came from nowhere. Absolute nothing. I thought it was allergies, even without the sneasing and stuffy nose. it was nothing.
I keep snaping at my brother. I don't know why but I hate him so much. I wish he was never born. HIs voice, his presence, everything annoys the living hell out of me, but I care for him. I do as he asks, let him borrow my stuff. Joke and try to communicate with him.
The sun set. there was no warning. the smile my brother saw when he went to bed vanished and tears will not stop. Lots of things could have set them off but none of them make sense. The song, Pegasus Fantasy from Saint Seiya, was so motivating, the anime, Watamote, though appealed to my sader senses was only on after I found I couldn't stop crying, my phone is always silent, one friend in tears worrying her boyfriends life may end, one suicidal becasue his relationship ended, and one happy about a date, doesn't affect me. I've always been the one to be happy when they are sad, and at their happiest I'm there to celebrate. Medication could be it, but why is something that was suppost to prevent this from happening have such a strong effect.
I have no explination, no feelings, it just turned dark so fast, and in the dark of night when normal people are asleep I'm sitting up alone wishing I wasn't here. This physical body just holds alot of pain and a beat up spirit that has been beaten up so many times it will look for anything to stay whole. I'm just someone that can't explain my tears and doesn't have th strength to make his own path so he helps others, blindly, feeling bad when everyone must leave and feeling not only "beter" but sorry for inconviniancing them when they wake up.
It would be easier if I wasn't here. So much easier. My existance will vanish and I won't have to do anything. I don't believe in heaven, at least not the same one everyone ele believes in. How can a creator watch his creations suffer so much and sit silently, how can he create a paridise if everyone's paridise is differant, if he knows what will happen how can he punish us? I also don't believe in hell. Noone deserves eternal suffering. I believe i'd be able to leave this body and move on. that sounds plesant, but I have never been that kind of person. Suicide is on my mind, but it's a selfish answer, one I can't agree with. I owe my life to the boy that stopped me from playing alone in the sand. To the asshole that has a very kind heart who I felt I can talk to, the mother that failed me, the sister that is doesn't bond with people, the cat that loves me, even the perverted old man that calls me son.
I don't make many friends. I am the worst kind of person who planned many times to vanish as soon as he's no longer needed, I no longer even have a last name because all of them, even the sister I looked after for years, no longer want me. I take everyone's secrets and problems but feel aweful when I give them out, and even now when everyone's growing and moving I want to stay a kid and keep everyone close. That is not possable, if I get to close bad things happen so I stay alone, and suffer, and cry, only to put on a smile and give advice when it's needed.
I'm not to honest am I?
Life is not the easiest thing. I hae made many escapes, ways to leave the world when I need to, from the music I listen to to the characters I create, because reality is a tough thing to face. No matter how much I desire to quit, even if my mind is strong enough to ignore it, but my body is breaking down and crying, I refuse to leave a hole. The people that know me won't lose me, and even if I never get the helping hand I need I'll always be there to give one. Suicide is such a selfish thing so I guess it's a good thing I don't care enough about myself to be selfish, so I'll keep living a bit longer and see how much longer I can make my story. Even if it's filled with blank pages at least it has a chance to fill in the holes of other stories.
Sorry for the rant, I just don't feel good and noone's around to listen.
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