Two steps up, maybe 5 down

That was a close one

Well due to someone's carelessness a drink was spilt on my computer. My computer would start freaking out if it's in the bathroom and it's steamy (I like listening to music in the shower XD) so whe I saw a can of soda empty into the keyboard I just about lost it. I was fast enough. I shut it off, tried to dismantle it (But failed to compleatly) and let it dry. The fan is busted, quite a few programs won't function such as LoL, Office, and Adobe, its speed is cut in half, and my ctrl buttons keep doing combonations when clicked (I think left is ctrl + t + q and right is ctrl + + + o) It's fustrating and I was depressed to the point I almost snapped, but it's alive enough to use untill I get a new one, which is now a priority because I need the adobe programs to work and work at normal speed. I wish was a good enough artist to open commissions but I'm not, web design is fun but I don't now enough to charge for it, and I have no clue how to actually look for clients. Guess I need a job or to save up my disability, which is hard with my car, insurance, phone, and Time Warner XD

Get to know me a bit

When I get stressed I like talking ad chatting alot more than usual, or at least writing about myself (Though I've been told I should keep it to myself this is my blog and I do what the hell I want with it) so I decided when I found this picture Id answer the questions and go into detail if I want XD

I'm to lazy to retype the questions so get a magnifying glass if you can't see them XD

1. Gay, but I must admit I am curious.

2. Drawing hands

3. My stupid cat kouya's (Boyfriend and he's stupid because he made me fall into a long distance relationship)

4. Well I haven't had many dates, but my best first night with someone new was when Kou pounce kissed me XD

5. *Flushes toilet* It actually goes up and down. There are some times I look in the mirror and say holy hell, if only I could fuck myself, and there are some times when it's like why the hell does someone like me even exist?

6. Danny Magallanez, my brother since 2nd grade, Frank Rodriguez, the kind asshole, Dark Viper my bara bub and Christina Rodriguez (Not related) My kickass sister like thing.

7. Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, and Scott Pilgrim are 3 seris I remember. I actually read quite a bit.

8. Odd smells. There are some people that give off a unique smell and it's usually very powerful, not like sweat or bo, but odd smells. There are also males that try and act like girls and twinks (Skinny hairless people) I have no problem with most thin people. I'm rather thin myself, but when you have absolutly no curvature, and on top of that no body hair I am not interested. It's worse in porn where there is one very sexy buff guy and a freaking stick, usually with long hair >.<

9. He's straight forward, can be an ass sometimes and if you call him out on it he will prove you wrong how you only think he's an ass because he's right. He's a good guy that's rather passionate about how society and individuals work and think and always tries to help whether you want it or not.

10. Monkeys, Bulls, Bears, Huskys, and Tigers

11. Everyone under best friends and Kouya

12. He had trust issues and I seeked vengeance. If you think I'm a cheater I'll be a cheater, why accept the punishment without doing the crime.

13. Play LoL (League of Legends) And dance to K-pop

14. Who's who amung African Americans, Top Marksmen in JROTC, Military Summer camp, and the US Air Force, Living past 18

15. Always angry biggoted, hates gays and forces his will on others, alcoholic, bossy, aggressive, and two faced.

16. Scent of a Woman - Ailee, Flying Humanoid - ???, Give it to me - Sistar, Run Devil Run - Girls Generation, Over and Over - Three Days Grace, Mama's Broken Heart - ??? and many more I can's stop repeating.

17. Awquard. He really can't kiss ^-^"

18. I like big hairy "Bear" types. Facial hair is almost a must but there are exceptions. Muscle is nice, even better if they have a little fat. If they don't have muscle then a belly is nice as long as they don't start looking like they are melting so I guess a beer or pit belly over someone that just blew $100 at Mcdonalds. I also like Glasses, Hats, boots, tight A shirts/muscle shirts, and biker dudes, but clothing is never a determining factor. Kouya is missing ALOT of my list which goes to show you a personality will beat any preference I set XD

19. Huskies. Lots of huskies. two turtles, at least 20 fish, and a black cat named shadow

20. Some mints, but usuallt they put to much chocolate and not enough mint, Twix, Rocky Road, and almost any that has the word Monkey or contains banana.

21. Japan. The interesting things my friend brought me only made me more curious.

22. Lots of poeple say mean things to me. I don't even remember them.

23. El Paso, and Wichita Falls Tx, Mesa, Awatuki, Surprise, Tempe, and Phoenix AZ, Colorado Springs CO.

24. Your there to give me a bear hug when I need it, even when I don't look like I need it. The easiest way to make me loosen up around new people is if they can make me feel close to them, and a bear hug usually does it.

25. Computers. All computers. and becoming the good looking sucessful man that can go home and laugh in the face of the people that made school and life hell.

26. Am I a nice guy or a mean guy.Why do I let people borrow stuff from me when I feel like stabbing them threw the heart? I don't like anyone but I still call them buddy and friend as if I do. Why don't people understand what a one night stand is and why do I lead them on anyway, and why does this bitch think I care about her problems. Sometimes I'm genuinely a nice guy, but I'm also a sadistic asshole.

27. Homework hopefully.

28. Computers. Anything COmputers. Game designer, Animator, and web designer are high on my list.

29. Slipping and busting my head open when a girl I liked grabbed my paycheck and played catch me in the school cafeteria just as the second lunch was coming in.

30. I have no talents and everyone that likes me will eventually leave me. (Is that an Insecurity?)

31. Go to school for more computer jobs. If I didn't blow it all I would donate to people in need (Yes, I actually mean it when I say donate) and I would probably sell most of my stuff and travel wherever I can trying to make the world a better place. I always envied travelers in shows, it's just not possible anymore without money.

32. He's a little tubby and has very puffy curly hair and beard. He has a very thick accent which I find cute and a really annoying voice when he wants something that makes me want to punch him. he's shorter than me and hates when I call him Mario, a Dwarf, or anything like that. He also usually wears colorful clothing which contrasts my monochromatic color scheme. There are a few other guys I like but I won't describe them :p

33. I love stories and I can easily create whole worlds on a whim.

34. People repeating themselves, some people's voices period, someone not knowing what personal space is, smeone not getting the hint when I want to be alone, people with superiority complex, ungrateful people.

35. None. None at all.

36. This was asked already

37. 2 or 3. One boy, one girl, and depending on which one is more difficult will determin the third, I'm gay, I get to pick and choose. XD

38. Sadly the first thing that came to mind was going paint balling and then eating steak, lots of steak, followed by wild sex.

39. Like I said earlier, making stories. But I guess another thing is drawing heads. I usually like how they come out.

40. A sword flying threw my door.

41. I haven't been many places so I don't know. Hawaii is way to expensive, florda is always shown to have assholes and idiots, Cali doesn't seem like a friendly place, Seatlle is said to be to cold, I'l like to enjoy the rain, and Japan is outside of America. 

42. Mah. Don't remember

43. Nope. Allergies are bad, I'm never alone, the room and bathroom don't have locks, the kitchen is patetic, and the bathroom always smells like piss.

44. My music. Currently You're gonna go far Kid by the Offspring is playing.

45. I don't really know my sister anymore and I have a deep inner hatred for my brother I'm trying to keep under control

46. Been asked already

47. If my life has any value

48. I had better art skill

49. Hate my dad and don't really trust my mom.

50. I don't get this one.

51. Fuck you, fuch you, fuck you, your cool, I am OUT.

52. Yea

53. Depression. I hate I can get depressed so easily.

54. Bear hugs, bellies/abs, pecs, facial hair, accents.

55. Not sure really.

56. Not having friends and getting bullied.

Wow that was long. Lets wrap it up.

I'll be creating a new blog

Yea, lets keep random stuff like the above out. It will contain whatever I want. Hell, I may make two, one NSFW considering I am constantly looking at porn. Just about everyone does it don't look at me that way.. I'll keep you posted.

F U ALERGIES!!!

Le Status

Weeeeeell despite cleaning my room and causing mass genocide of the Roach race I am very alergic to something in my room, probably more than i was the roaches and I'm sure it's the spray I used to kill them. It has me miserable and I'm not sure how to adress it. I think some got on my bed because I feel worse after sleeping. My job is never done. I have a doctor's apointment at 8 at the VA and maybe I can talk to them about getting me in Mental health, after all I'm kinda betting VA Mental Health is alot better than Active Duty Mental health and I won't get a long laundry list of mental conditions again. 

I am still trying to find a way to be active. There is a Gold's Gym down the street that I didn't notice but it must be new because I can't find nothing about it online, and being the socially awquard guy I can be the thought of going is kinda spokey for me. I know it won't be like "Hey look at the new guy, lets stare" but for some reason my brain made a gym a place I'd like to avoid. I'd rather find out why and cope with it. Don't know my soda count but maybe I should slow down on them. I know I said no more after I finish those but I'm sure going crazy with the ones I have is bad.

 

School ends on Saturday for me. I'm trying hard not to fail like I did last term but I let depression get the best of me. I was able to do 2 assignments before burning out, now I have 2 papers and a slideshow to do. I know I can do it if I just sit and do it, but that's the part I'm finding hard. My mind is anything but focused, luckily once I get on the roll talking about my opinion I can keep going, I just need to support it with facts, the teacher loved the two papers I submitted, one being the thin line between Freedom Fighting and Terrorism and the other being about the Tyrrany of the Majority (It's a Political Science class)

My interest in Anime is slowly coming back. I'm back to wanting to learn Japanese and watch and read, that's a good thing, eventually my drawing will come back since Anime is what made me want to start drawing in the first place.

Think that's it for this update. Wish me luck at my appointment and in my goals as well.

The punishment of change

Well....My room's clean at least.

Yesterday went pretty good dispite no sleep and idiot operators, but today I wasn't so lucky. Unfortunatly I am very allergic to roaches which is one of my motivations to clean, to make sure I get rid of as many as possable. I decided to rearange the room a bit so it doesn't look as cluttered and to get rid of my brother's "It's your side of the room" Pholociphy, but upon moving my book shielfs and taking all the books out I was literally attacked by thousands of angry roaches. I bought bait, spray, and gel for deal with it, but I'm as allergic (If not more so) to the spreay as I am to them and the Bait was for when I'm done cleaning. The room is decent. I just need to go threw a mountain of cothes, organize shelfs and stuff, and get things that don't belong in here out, but thanks to the roaches and spray I had an Ashma attach and took a "nap" around 10. I couldn't wake up till 5 PM today and I still feel compleatly sick and exhausted, but now it's clear what my next goals should be after I finish the room.

Time to Tackle my health issues.

Though the military was a bad time I was the most healthy I've ever been when I was in it. I had the shadow of muscle, I could run a few miles without dying, sports were fun ect, but 3 years of doing nothing took it's toll. I never had Asthma problems in the military, I was able to shave, brush my teeth, take showers, change and wash my clothes, eat, ect without motivation or convincing (Though sleep was still an issue) and I just lost that ability as time went on. Now I can just try starting a routine again and adressing one of my addictions, soda. Recently (As in 2 days ago) I bought drinks. A 24 pack of Twist up (Knock off Dew) 30 pack of Big red, 12 pack of Brisk (Already gone) and a 24 pack of Gatoraid. Because I can drink soda like water and I'm not trying to get Diabeties I decided that once this soda is gone I won't buy any more. on top of that I made a few health related goals I can actually start now.

Health goals

• Buy no more soda. If I still avoid drinking water I'll buy juice or coffee or anything else but soda
• Playing active games. I wanna go to the gym but I made up teh excuses I don't know where to start, and maybe tomorrow, ect, so, untill I stop being a coward and start going I'll just play my mom's Xbox games. She has Just Dance 4, a couple Zumba games, I think the biggest loser, and stuff like that. Won't help me develop the manleh muscles I want but it's a start, and I can learn to shake mah hips to XD
• Cut back on fast food. I buy it on my way to school, when I'm driving, when I'm bored and just order in and it's usually a medium that could easily pass for a large with it's ginormous soda. I don't know what on the menus are exacally "Healthy" but when I do go there I'm sure I can just order stuff from their "Healthy" Choices that they label and just get a poweraid dring since it seems that's the only non soda thing on the fountains.
• Start swimming more. I was embaresed a few months ago when my brother convinced me to go swimming and I found I forgot how to swim. I literally sank like a rock and couldn't get back up. I used to love swimming so I wanna start that again
• and last, keep a small todo list with basic things I should have learned how to do when I was 5. Take a shower, brush my teeth, find clean clothes, brush my teeth, use dioderant, BRUSH MY DAMN TEETH!! I have a freakin huge ass hole in one of my back teeth but instead of getting worried and doing something about it I'm getting worried and doing nothing.

That should be enough

It's just the second day of my get your shit together blog so I can just finish. Nothing really made me mad so no rants so good....uh...night, and see you around the interwebs.

Mid-day rage

So I started with my goal to improve my living conditions and upon cleaning the bookshelf I found A WHOLE FUKING ARMY OF ROACHES! I tried keeping calm and started making a list of things I may need for the room, mostly roach bate. I go onto my bank account to see my funds and find out my $1500 paycheck is already down to about 800, $400 went to my car because I want to get it paid off ASAP and some went to Time Warner for Internet phones and TV. A huge payment was used to pay for a game I don't pay and canceled my membership to which pissed me off enough, but then I went to look at my Insurance bill to find it's double what it's suppost to be, about $750. After seeing this I called and found out for some reason my payment was returned and I have to pay for last month and this month. I made a deal that I would pay last months today and will pay the other half when I get the money my mom owes me. When my mom got home I got the second half of the money and called again. I epxplained the situation to the lady and she gave me additude about not understanding. How hard is it to understand I payed for last months and am trying to pay this months before it is late?

It gets better. Turns out the reason the first payment was returned is because they were using an account I shut down, back when I was in the military and used the bank on base before I got my USAA Debit card, and after a bit of argument I found out the lady I spoke to earlier used the same void account DESPITE ME CONFIRMING MY ACTUAL ACCOUNT. She was just to damn lazy and just assumed it was right. Because it's already being processed they can't stop it and when it gets retured since I have no money in that account they are adding return fees. I was about to cuss a bitch out but I kept it reasonably calm. I was put on hold multiple times, she attempted to blame me for their stupidity, and I had to explain stuff so someone that spoke like a facebooker (Oh my god. OH MY GOD! oh my god What the hell, oh my god)

In the end (By the sound of it) they were able to resolve it. They can't stop the process to the void account, but they said I can call back and get the return fees removed, and the payments should have been sent to the right accounts, and better yet they compleatly removed the void account so another lazy bitch woon't fuck up again. Happy ending, but not before it deserved my mid day rage.

USAA = Rage

Journey of 1000 steps

Hey, I'm Allen

A 21 year old with way more problems than he should have trying to create some sense of normalcy. Since it seems one of the things I love doing the most is writing long rants/stories about my mental state, life, ect I jsut decided to start a Blog so only people that want to hear my shit can read it.

I'm a bit more of an open book than I should be so instead of boring people with details or disturbing them with things noone should know about me I'll just wait till someone seems interested enough to ask me. On that note one thing that I should tell is I suffer from Cronic depression and am an Air Force vet with 80% disability (Yes, at 21) as such my life has not gotten on track since I was discharged, that was 3 years ago (Yes I became a vet at 18 and no I don't care if you believe I deserve disability or not. It's bad enough getting odd looks at the VA hospital from people that all look like they can be my grandparents)

Point of this blog

Since like I said I like ranting and storytelling this is my attempt to take it off of Facebook, Fur Affinity, and Deviant Art since noone on Facebook cares and where people are there for my art, not my life story. Another reason is because like I said I am trying to get my life together and writing will help me keep track of how it's going as well as, if I actually get people to read this, get advice or maybe help someone out in the same boat. I know alot of depressed people and if I can learn to live with it over time maybe something in my blog will help them. I wanna write it every day as an attempt to start a habbit (Since I am opposed to ANY changes in my daily life and routines of any sort) but that may be to much and I may do it every other day. If I can get into the habbit of doing something small like this I can show myself I can make new habits.

A few goals to get me started

I honestly have no idea where to start so I'll just list everything and see if I can get them done in a good fasion. I won't set many long term goals considering there's no point if I can't keep shorter term goals. and I won't list them all because I can easily overtask myself. The major ones would be:

• Make my living environment healthier
• Start writing to-dos AND DO THEM
• Limit my time on games and the internet
• Find my hobbies and persue them
• Prioritize my tasks
• Try and get a normal sleeping habbit
• Turn all my time doing "Nothing" into something
• Actually help the community instead of donating money to anything I see at the checkout line
• Start getting physically active and improve my health
• Get my anger and sadness out instead of supressing it

I think that's a decent start, none of them seem to hard and most of them I can do in a month since they all basically involve me physically doing something so I can tell when there are results. I said I was gonna start this on the first but I procrastinated which, along with my lack of motvation, are going to be the two things that will stop me if I let them. I'm hoping activly doing and updating this blog can help with that.

Goal of the day - Making a better environment

Since I share a room with my brother it's usually a pigsty, and because we attempted to "Clean" the other day it's alot worse than usual. I was going to wait till he goes back to school because he and the dogs are a huge distraction and I was dumb enough to expect his help. I'll just consider him untrustworthy and will do it on my own wether he's here or not. If I can't get over him and the internet being distractions I have little hope in getting anywhere

Short Rant

I was going to make Rants a part of every blog (Clearly labled so you can skip it or go directly to it XD) but most of my anger went away just typing, so maybe I'll rant first in the future since ranting is a good way to express myself XD I will say though when have people become so selfish and focused on themselves that they would feel the need to send other people down just to build themselves up. I've seen so many depressed and unhappy people threwout the internet and they are usually met with hostility. Bold comments saying no body cares, people validating their feelings of worthlessness, or people ignoring it all together. I don't care who you are or how much someone complains, if you see someone down you help try and pick them up and wether or not they accept your hand is their problem. Staying quiet because you don't know what to say or because you believe you'll make it worse is not an excuse to not try. The world is a very VERY dark place, you will almost never be rewarded for the good you do and fortune only comes to the wicked, but that's only because most people have a messed up vision of Rewards and Fortune. If you are bigger and stronger it's you responsability to help the weaker and if your weak like me you have a chance to change.