Darkness before the light?

I know I said I'll try updating this every day but how I've been feeling is counterproductive to what the goal of it was meant to be. I'm feeling worse and worse, I can bearly think of solutions, and forcing myself to think is actually starting to get painful., literally. Not sure what it is but I'm even less motivated to do anything. My computer constantly overheats and shuts down. I'm hesitant to start any big projects such as making games or animations or even homework projects because of this. It seems any form of creativity from me is gone. I can't think of anything to draw or what to do with my homework assignments. I should get a jo so I can buy a new computer but I'm so lazy and unmotivated I can't do anything. My mood went down to the point I'm constantly suicidal, making plans, asking what if, ect, but luckilly I've been battling it for so long I'm to hard headed to acctually do it. I know it would take something huge for me to actually take myself seriously. Other than laying in front of my computer doing random unproductive things I have no consistancy, I can't start any habits. I tried writing the blog every day, I am trying to take my pills every day, trying to brush my teeeth, shower, even basic things like eat, I'm failing at all of them, my money managment skills suck bad, constant migranes keep e from focusing, I hate sleeping and end up going to sleep at 7 in the morning for a 1 pm class, I can't eve talk normally to people because nothing is going on with me, I usually lie and say I'm sick or just don't respond.

I hate this intenslessly. I always believe things will get better but that's because that's been the reason I've never gave up, not when I lived with my abusive dad, not when  was homeless, not when I was in the military, or with my ex, or now, I want something good to happen, but honestly, especally with the dreams I've been having latley, I'm pretty much already dead. Almost no hobbies or interests, I can't keep relationships, I hate just about everyone around me, I reject my family, ect. What if things have already gotten etter but I'm to damaged and miserable to notice.

I don't want my story to end.

That new song, that anime, the silent phone, hearing aout loved ones and dates, or even the medicen reacting negativly, I don't know what it is but something wounded my spirit deep. All threwout the day tears came from nowhere. Absolute nothing. I thought it was allergies, even without the sneasing and stuffy nose. it was nothing.

I keep snaping at my brother. I don't know why but I hate him so much. I wish he was never born. HIs voice, his presence, everything annoys the living hell out of me, but I care for him. I do as he asks, let him borrow my stuff. Joke and try to communicate with him.

The sun set. there was no warning. the smile my brother saw when he went to bed vanished and tears will not stop. Lots of things could have set them off but none of them make sense. The song, Pegasus Fantasy from Saint Seiya, was so motivating, the anime, Watamote, though appealed to my sader senses was only on after I found I couldn't stop crying, my phone is always silent, one friend in tears worrying her boyfriends life may end, one suicidal becasue his relationship ended, and one happy about a date, doesn't affect me. I've always been the one to be happy when they are sad, and at their happiest I'm there to celebrate. Medication could be it, but why is something that was suppost to prevent this from happening have such a strong effect.

I have no explination, no feelings, it just turned dark so fast, and in the dark of night when normal people are asleep I'm sitting up alone wishing I wasn't here. This physical body just holds alot of pain and a beat up spirit that has been beaten up so many times it will look for anything to stay whole. I'm just someone that can't explain my tears and doesn't have th strength to make his own path so he helps others, blindly, feeling bad when everyone must leave and feeling not only "beter" but sorry for inconviniancing them when they wake up.

It would be easier if I wasn't here. So much easier. My existance will vanish and I won't have to do anything. I don't believe in heaven, at least not the same one everyone ele believes in. How can a creator watch his creations suffer so much and sit silently, how can he create a paridise if everyone's paridise is differant, if he knows what will happen how can he punish us? I also don't believe in hell. Noone deserves eternal suffering. I believe i'd be able to leave this body and move on. that sounds plesant, but I have never been that kind of person. Suicide is on my mind, but it's a selfish answer, one I can't agree with. I owe my life to the boy that stopped me from playing alone in the sand. To the asshole that has a very kind heart who I felt I can talk to, the mother that failed me, the sister that is doesn't bond with people, the cat that loves me, even the perverted old man that calls me son.

I don't make many friends. I am the worst kind of person who planned many times to vanish as soon as he's no longer needed, I no longer even have a last name because all of them, even the sister I looked after for years, no longer want me. I take everyone's secrets and problems but feel aweful when I give them out, and even now when everyone's growing and moving I want to stay a kid and keep everyone close. That is not possable, if I get to close bad things happen so I stay alone, and suffer, and cry, only to put on a smile and give advice when it's needed.

I'm not to honest am I?

Life is not the easiest thing. I hae made many escapes, ways to leave the world when I need to, from the music I listen to to the characters I create, because reality is a tough thing to face. No matter how much I desire to quit, even if my mind is strong enough to ignore it, but my body is breaking down and crying, I refuse to leave a hole. The people that know me won't lose me, and even if I never get the helping hand I need I'll always be there to give one. Suicide is such a selfish thing so I guess it's a good thing I don't care enough about myself to be selfish, so I'll keep living a bit longer and see how much longer I can make my story. Even if it's filled with blank pages at least it has a chance to fill in the holes of other stories.

Sorry for the rant, I just don't feel good and noone's around to listen.

Guess I need to try again

I haven't been feeling any better

It's been feeling like something is wrong and my only ideas are get help, something that isn't easy for someone who's so anti social. I have no motivation to do anything so I took advantage of my benifets and started getting involved with the VA hospital. I think my fear of hospitals got worse. I couldn't stop moving, I can't look anone in the eye, and I laugh alot about nothing. A kind old lady even asked me if I was ok and if I wanted to sit with her for a whileI got my shots and the only thing "Wrong" with me is my cholestoral is 12 points to high. Then I got over my nerves and requested to speak with mental health. Right off the bat that lady labeled me as Manic Depressive and set me up with the actual mental health clinic. My actual Mental health doctor was rushed due to the check in desk making a mistake and not calling me in and he said I was Bi Polar, now I'm taking pills in hopes they would work, but I can't keep my mind off of it to avoid the Placebo effect, after all, pills from the military is what messed me up so I'm overl causious andexpect the worse.

My room is a mess again. I can't gather the energy to clean it and my brother keeps bringing food in here and leaving it. The Baits and sprays I bought arn't killing the roaches as effectivly anymore and they are making me sick yet I don't feel like doing anything about it. School started back up for me, but I found a new problem, I am compleatly unable to read my textbooks. I don't know why but looking at the page and it's like my eyes ignore words and sentences, add that with my lack of otivation and it's going to be very hard to not fail again. I'm tired of failing classes, especally ones that could have been easy.

My computer is starting to have serious problems. The fan stopped working compleatly so I bought a fan for it, the keyboard sticks and the Ctrl buttons no longer work, alot of my programs crash as soon as they start, it just shuts down when out of power instead of sleeping, holds no charge, uninstalls my mouse and tablet and a whole lot of other wierdness. I'm keeping it running the best I can but it already proved unreliable with school.

I really need friends in this city. I have plenty of good friends, very good friends that are close to me, but none of them are ever close or they are to much like me and we get bored. How do adults make friends anyway? I wanna join Something like Karate and start going to a gym, but I'm not much to do anything when I'm alone.

I hope I can get out of this, but at the moment I'm trying to do politics homework with a hangover like headache and an unexplainable painful body.